We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
PANTIES FOUND
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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