Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
