While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
