Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Drunk is not a location!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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