my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
