dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
