Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
