got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
