The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i think i have two assholes
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
