my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
