I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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