fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
