My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
