how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
