the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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