Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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