he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
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This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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