I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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