How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
