i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
