i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
