I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
