I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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