The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize