My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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