He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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