Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
