Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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