He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
