I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
