my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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