He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
