I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
