Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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