Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
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I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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