there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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