I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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