You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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