oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
