Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
