My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
