I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
