He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
