he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
dude. I can hear the air.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
