Redeem this text for a blowjob
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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