So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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