I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We need to get me chipped asap
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
