finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
