she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
