I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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