Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
