He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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