I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We just shotgunned beers for America
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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