i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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