When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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