we have pet lesbian snakes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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