i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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