they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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