I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
